Little Trinity  jumped in front of me, with her infectious smile, her big blue eyes, I couldn’t help but smile back watching her perfect blonde hair bouncing as she leapt with joy. Trinity  was 3, cheeky, busy and full of life ……. “Aunty please jump on the trampoline with me!”  My heart filled with love how could I say no, she is so precious, bursting with energy, her enthusiasm just melts my heart. “Of course Aunty will, as long as we can make a mud pies too!” With a screech of excitement she clasped my hand and led me out the door……….

For a moment I was lost in a daze, a mix of emotions that were old, new, and some familiar.  As I smiled at her with so much love, enchanted by her presence, I also felt like my heart was frowning. A twinge of my past flooded into my mind, I was remembering when I was once a little girl too. Trinity and I were so different, she was loved,  unafraid and protected by her loving mum and dad, Trinity was a priceless gem……My mind raced , I just couldn’t comprehend how anyone could bring harm to such an innocent soul, how anyone could not love and protect their child, any child.…..

As I drove away that afternoon from visiting my best friend and her little family, I reflected on my feelings and thoughts that had engulfed my mind. It was odd as this day was so different to the rest, it was the first time I had been aware of the way I felt in a situation and the reason why. I had found the answer why for many years I had struggled with every relationship in my life.

We all know Childhood is precious, from when we are born till we are about 5years old our brain develops and learns fundamental behaviours and cognitive functions. During this time a child is loved nurtured and cared for, this is what our parents and care givers do. This process creates healthy bonds, forming trust and security. Planting and instilling in us positive experiences that build secure attachments.  If you’re not sure the meaning of “secure attachment” please look up the definition, but because of this essential beginning a secure attachment in childhood allows children to resonate healthy relationships throughout life and into adulthood.

Now you’re probably asking yourself why is she going on about this, well for some of us, life was very different.  I want to open your eyes for a moment and take you back to when you were 3-4 years old. Maybe it’s your first memory, or just a secure feeling that you know so well. Maybe you felt loved, protected, your needs always met, someone wiped your tears and hugged your pain, you were priceless and precious, no one could hurt you.

Now imagine you’re 3-4 years old but life was very different, you are terrified, afraid and alone, the people around you don’t protect you, instead they hurt you, you’re exposed to watching and experiencing things that are just unimaginable. The only place that is safe is to stay unnoticed and hide. Sadly for some theses are their memories, this was their beginning and for me it’s the scars I bear deep in my soul.

As an adult I have become a creation of a 3-4 year olds ability to adapt and survive in a world where I was maltreated, my innocence taken, neglected and forgotten.

Into adulthood I have learnt to present myself as a well-adjusted, I can fit into any situation and no challenge is ever too big. If you met me tomorrow, you would never guess my past, I may just leave you wondering something was different. I would change myself to meet the needs of others repressing my innerself, what you see is a façade, I had become a chameleon this was my coping mechanism.

I had never felt love, security or acceptance because I have never been able to accept it, those vital teaching years did not happen. I only know my eluded safe version that just touches the surface

Finally I have reached a point in my life that I have become aware of who I am, my mind and heart have finally met. I know that my thoughts and emotions aren’t a product or my current environment but rather a product of my buried past. I know I can’t undo my past, but I have the opportunity to make peace with it. I can reflect and understand who I am and why. I can learn from my emotions, behaviours and realise that I am in control of my every thought and I can use this for healing rather than self sabotage. I now know I need to learn to love and accept myself so I can accept love from others. I have learnt that realisation and acceptance are the first step to healing, you become aware and face the truth.

They say time heals all wounds, I want to take it deeper than that, time gives you an opportunity to one day be ready to face your wounds and live a life accepting  your past by allowing it not to limit your future.

My little girl, now go and be free………

AP

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